I hate this, I don't even know what I did wrong? I just know the most special day of my life and we fought. The night ended well enough,but thinking about it on the way to my parents home, it just hurt the more I thought about it.
I am a private person, I feel weird about talking to people about my problems and I feel like I can't even keep up in this comm, yet when I try...It just seems that I am the odd man out here. People are really nice and friendly and so am I, but there is just this clicking thing that hasn't happened, which sucks. Charlie has Nell, Lucas has Brooke, Matt has Danny, Willow has Buffy, seems like everyone here has a best friend here outside of their loved ones, or may be it is me? May be I am just too private or I don't know, wrong? I don't even know what I am saying, I don't. I used to be so active here, but I just never felt like I fit, had a niche, really. So, then I stepped back and everyone has moved forward, and I still feel like the odd man out. People are welcoming, but I think it is because I lack having those I know so intimately, those I grew up with, here. I'd even just kill for Ethan to be here.
This fight between Lucas and I hurt so badly, I wonder if it the world trying to tell me that I am wrong for him,or that marriage is too soon? I hadn't tried to hurt him. All I tried to do was make a surprise. I invited the people we live with and our parents, but I fucked it all up to hell. It was wrong. Now, it just all seems wrong. His friends will be there,which is great, they were never not allowed, and I told my friends to not come. They love me and I them, but some of them feel bad because we never settled our relationships with each other. Lucas had a much longer time span, call years at college. Mine just happened.And right now He wouldn't understand me taking time away to just be with my friends? GAH! I can't fix this. Everyone here is so close to each other, and I try, but even being around them, I seem to screw it all up. Peter and I were having such a nice conversation and I did something or said something and he bailed. I couldn't even face any of them the next day. I went to the luncheon feeling raw about the night before,and I was feeling in specific ways about the whole event. Then we left. Will I always be the one who supports? Will I always be the one to chase? Am I damaged? Am I a bad person? I feel truly bad right now. I can't even be around Lucas without sobbing in the shower, the only time we are away from one another in my house.
I think this place is more Lucas' place then mine. They all make plans, they all connect, and even though I don't read this place enough, it moves so fast, once they make their plans, I find out from Lucas. Am I just an extension of him? This is not fair to him. He deserves someone that isn't me and whatever I am doing wrong.
I tried to be friends with Charlie, with everyone, but they are all so closely bonded and I am an outsider. I can only try so much, I need Warren and Magenta. A couple of weeks just working on cases, being with my friends, reconnecting to the world I know. Except, I can't. I want this wedding, I really do, why would I plan it all if I didn't?
I have so much else to say and think, but I just can't. It sucks and it hurts.
Put on a smile, pretend it is all okay. That is what I do. That is me. Take it all with a grain of salt. It's your own fault, so just live with it.